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Making the world into a womb. I have you daddy as long as the world narrows to a point. The world is you and these are your streets along which I walk, everytime I pass a spot on the canal, I know we kissed there. You were reluctant to kiss in public I loved standing on my tiptoes and making you walk past your reluctance. I saw you grin a bit ashamed. Oh daddy. We had to climb over the iron gate coming in and getting out; you had never climbed over a fence. What a proper boy you are. Walking in the center of the main street - it was carnival - my head below your shoulder for I'm much shorter than you - all there was was 4 arms enter twined and the rest of the world, clowns, families, hot dog, vendors, stood faded in the distance. I had no other life nor I guess wanted one. If I could keep you and this was the only way, I wouldn't have to be born - the passage thru misery, emptiness, murder, and then birth. Look at the pain. this is how it is. Because you have led to this. I closed myself off and was dependent on you and you left. You are gone gone gone. Screaming. Grief is just that, it cannot be alleviated! It is not melancholic it is utter pain it is as basic as death. All the women in my family have loved men. Unlike death's, grief's body is time.

You have hunted for so many salves to ease over that open wound, a mouth, and after years of salves you have come to pain. There is no longer any salve. To take it away you have to be there. You have to let everything gather into the spot of pain. And the body will open up even farther, fucking, and the pain will come thro and disperse.

Come, child, cry. Tears come from heaven/us. They are the water of the kidneys. Cry, child, cry. You are going to be brought thro. You are only a child: you did not bring on any of this. Pain exists because it means; the world is meaning. When you scream, it is love. Cry, darling; the earth has been parched for a long time. You will be cooled down.

For a long time the earth has been covered over and then the pain becomes so great that it cannot be borne and the rains begin.

What else do the angels say to me? They brush my face and touch my tears and kiss me. As soon as it rains, you'll be cool enough to sleep.

THE CARDS

They're saying a lot. We took you to paradise, not of dead, but living paradises you'd know where you're going. But you have to go thro this. Cancer wasn't painful. You don't get away without seeing the pain; do you think cancer came from a situation that wasn't painful? You have to see. then there was the desert. The desert broke up when it cracked from forces from beneath. This is what you have to see, down here, these forces of hell, what runs humans, desire and need and love. Cry, for they are ferocious. Your mother and her mother.

You are hired now. For the moment.

Entering the true Heart -who am I now?

London 1997.

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