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Bob Flanagan
Pain Journal

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January

Back in New York, the Gramercy Park Hotel. Back in bed. Forget what time it is-I mean who cares? It's been an awful Christmas and an even worse birthday. Me, my whiny, wheezy, grumbling self, scaring the shit out of everyone, acting like I'm going to die at any moment. Still depressed. All I want to do is die-mean cry-I meant to write cry and I wrote die. How Freudian can you get?

*

Birthday party over-thank God. Success from the looks of it. People. Presents. Cake. But me? Where the hell was I? Laid out naked on the Gurney of Nails, big marzipan penis on my stomach, candles blazing. Everybody impressed at the sight of me, I guess-but I wasn't really on the nails-not all of me-too chicken shit to let go. Couldn't breathe. My idiot's lament. Terrified at the sight of Sheree with her big knife, slicing into the marzipan penis-afraid she'd go too far-afraid of accidents, always afraid, so I can't get into it, like I can't get into anything these days. Always on the peripheral. Always terrified, exhausted, annoyed, pissed, anxious, out of it-out of the loop, out of my mind, out of time.

*

Horrible stomach aches and nausea. Heavy little shits. Is it the new antidepressant, the Wellbutrin? Don't know if I'm sick or crazy. Short of breath everywhere I go. Making like I'm dying. Am I exaggerating? Why would I? Who am I trying to impress? All the time thinking I'm going to die, talking myself into a frenzy of phlegm and fatigue. Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe I'm not. Now they say I should exercise. First they say use the wheelchair and conserve your energy. Now they say "exercise." Exercise/ wheelchair. Exercise/ wheelchair. Hard to know what to do or who I am in it all. And while I'm dwelling on death-Preston, 23 year old from cystic fibrosis summer camp, died a couple of days ago. Funeral tomorrow but I'm not going. Should have called him last week, but what would I have done, wished him luck?

*

Depressed. In the hospital. Taking big red Wellbutrin pills but still depressed. Mom and Dad's 45th anniversary-I made the call-no I didn't-they called me cause I'm the sick one in the hospital. Their sick child. Their dying boy. When my mother calls and tells me I sound like I'm getting better I tell her no, not really, not yet. I'm almost rude to her about it. No, I'm not. I'm not better. I'm not ready to be better, so stop making me better already. And of course I spend the whole day feeling guilty about cutting her off because she was feeling so good that I might be feeling better, but I'll make it up to her-tomorrow I will be better, even though I just now spit up a big wad of blood-I'll still be better, just you wait and see.

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